Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Saviour. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.
Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendour, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.
Introduction
I felt moved to write this after my husband heard a sermon on this passage, and felt the explanation the preacher gave to be inadequate. I couldn't help but feel that Christianity (and the Church) has been poorly represented in the secular community due to poor exegesis. A quick reading of the above passage may lead someone to believe that the husband is the dominant authority in the household, and the wife is the passive, obedient one. You would naturally think that Christianity is to blame for all the misogyny, sexism, and domestic violence in the Western world. I felt moved to address this.
Moreover, serious, Bible-believing men and women may also become confused. A young man may want to be a good husband in the most biblical way possible, but does that mean he must become the "lord" of his household, dominating his beloved wife with his masculinity? A young woman may likewise wish to follow the Bible's teachings, but does that mean she must leave her personality, her intellect, and her individual opinions behind when she marries, and must relegate herself to become some sort of subordinate to her husband?
When we take the effort to approach this text more studiously, you will find a picture of marriage that is too beautiful and too romantic for even the most idealistic poet to imagine. This is going to be a bit of a long article, but I hope you can follow with me to that picture.
The context of the text
When we come to a text and consider its meaning, we should always resist the urge to take the text out of the context of the chapter and the book it is written in.
Ephesians 5:22-6:9 is a section where the author Paul discusses how different relationships should work between Christians, and the preceding chapters, chapters 1-4 explains the why. Paul spends the first three chapters giving a detailed discussion on Jesus - his lavish love for us, his gracious act of redemption for us, giving us life and immeasurable riches with Him. Chapter four tells us that we have unity with each other in Christ, and through Him we can put aside our old, selfish selves, and put on a new, Christ centred life. Chapter five then opens with:
Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. Eph 5:1-2 (ESV)This bit is important: as we approach the words of instruction to wives and husbands, we remember we do this because Christ loved us and gave Himself up for us. When Paul gets to chapter five, he is writing to the Ephesian church assuming that they have read chapters 1-4, and have grasped the good news of the gospel, and living in Spirit-renewed unity... and he gives instructions to husbands and wives having set the foundation of the gospel. The instructions given to married couples has the expectation that they are both already Christians who understand the foundations set in chapters 1-4.
Headship is more than you think
When we think of the man has the head of the family, we naturally consider a situation where the man is the "master" of his family. I grew up in such a family. If we ever sat around to watch TV, my father held the remote and decided what we were going to watch. If my mother bought any expensive food or rare fruit, the choicest, largest piece usually went to my father. (Sometimes it went to us kids, but he always got the better portion compared to my mother.) If ever we disagreed, he had the ultimate veto power, and he enforced his control by shouting, emotional manipulation, and, once in a while, by physical violence.
Jesus has a different idea of what headship and leadership means. In Luke 22, while seated at the Last Supper, the disciples start arguing over who was to be regarded as the greatest. Jesus didn't admonish them for their ambition for greatness, but instead offered an alternative definition of greatness:
"Let the greatest among you become as the youngest, and the leader as one who serves. For who is greater, the one who reclines at table or the one who serves? Is it not the one who reclines at table? But I am among you as the one who serves." Luke 22:26-27 (ESV)John 13 also records that, at the same supper, Jesus washed his disciples' feet to demonstrate the same lesson, and instructed them to do the same. So, we see that Jesus demonstrates his greatness not by displays of power or domination, but by being among us as one who serves.
Paul picks up on this when he says, "Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her". How does Christ love the church? Perhaps I don't need to outline the lavish and sacrificial love Christ has for his beloved bride the church, the way he endured death and separation from God in order for the church to be redeemed to him. Paul demands that sort of love from husbands for their wives. And it's not just a theoretical "if a gunman ever comes I'll jump in front of a bullet for you" kind of sacrifice, but also in the mundane, day to day things that place your wife's needs above your own.
Next, we come to the goal of headship. It's important to see that the leadership of the husband is not in order to boost his ego, or so that he may have his way all the time, or assert his dominance. Instead, the aim is that:
"he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendour, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish." Eph 5:26-27 (ESV)You see, according to the biblical model, my husband is to sacrificially love me because it leads to my sanctification. In other words, it leads me to grow more holy, more like Christ, and with more splendour. (I feel a little embarrassed even typing this. Me? Splendour? But hey, the text says what the text says.)
There is so much more I could say about this, because the language in the text is so rich and loaded with imagery, but I feel we must move on, before this article becomes a novel.
Submission is not a dirty word
When we hear the word submission, we instinctively repulse against it - and with good reason. After all, submission is something we teach our children and our puppies. We imagine a wife who is a sort of subordinate to her husband, silently submissive to his will and command. We imagine a diminished woman who left behind her own ideas and opinions behind when she married, and is but a shadow behind her looming husband.
The text says: Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Ephesians 4:24. Sounds pretty submissive to me, right? But how does the church submit to Christ?
Well, certainly the church submits to Christ by accepting his love and sacrifice for us, as a start. The church puts absolute trust and faith in Christ's love, but certainly not in a passive, silent, leave-your-gifts-behind kind of way. In fact, those in leadership positions within the church are always looking for ways to make use of every available resource to bring glory to Christ:
Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen. Ephesians 3:20-21. (ESV)The bible is clear that the wife is not subordinate or a lower-class human compared to her husband (see Galatians 3:28, Genesis 1:27). However, the wife devotes herself to submission to her husband the way the church submits - not by suppressing her gifts and ideas and opinions, but by using them all to make him more glorious.
What this looks like
Imagine a couple dancing a beautiful waltz. The man is dressed in a tux, his back straight and strong but not inflexible, the lady in a beautiful flowing dress, her steps and turns flowing seamlessly. They dance to the tune of Christ's love for them. The husband commits to loving his wife as sacrificially, selflessly, and courageously as possible, in all things seeking to make her more perfect, more holy, and more splendid. Not because of how great he is or how great she is, but simply because he has received the same love from Christ. In turn, the wife commits to honouring her husband, trusting in his love, and committing all that she has to make him more glorious. Not because of how wonderful her husband is, but simply because she first submitted her ultimate love and trust and obedience to Christ.
And thus, the couple dances through life, and each hurdle that comes their way. At times in their dance together one may dance more vibrantly than the other, and they may indeed follow each other's lead in different times. But the basic pattern remains the same, and all this with the love of Christ being their mutual goal, their joy, and satisfaction.
But what does it look like, really?
At this point, the reader might want to say, "Yes, that's a nice picture you have painted, but how does this work? Who holds the remote? Who controls the finances? Who does the cooking? Can the wife go to work? If the two disagree on something, who has the right to make the final decision?"
The bible offers guiding principles to help us navigate through life, but it doesn't didactically give specific laws about every single decision we've got to make. I would say that an approach that seeks to give specific, inflexible and absolute answers to the above questions would be legalistic and Pharisaical. When we married, my husband and I had slightly different marital vows. He vowed to "love, honour, and protect" me all his life. I vowed to "love, honour, and respect" him all of my life. While our marriage is not perfect, we fulfilled our vows in different ways as our situations changed. There was a time when I did most of the housework. Then there was a time when he did most of the housework. For the majority of our married life, as he pursued full time theological studies, I was the sole breadwinner. But I don't feel unloved, and he does not feel disrespected, as we seek to worship Christ together.
The other thing to note that Eph 5:22-33 is talking about duties of the husband and wife toward one another, and not rights. And the duties are Christ-centred. As soon as we begin to ask questions like "who has the right to make the final decisions", we are already starting off on the wrong foot. The focus is not on what is your right to expect from your spouse, but what is your duty toward your spouse.
Finally, a practical example
Jack and Jill are a young married couple, who are struggling financially and living pay-day to pay-day. Finally, they save up a sum of money, and disagree about what to do with it.
The rights-based, battle of the sexes approach
Jill says: "I have been so tired in the past few months, this year has been so stressful, I feel jaded and faded. I found this great deal on the internet for a relaxing holiday overseas, it's a great bargain. We can afford it, we've got the money, but Jack says no. Doesn't he realise that he is supposed to love me sacrificially and selflessly? I have been married to him all these years and worked hard all these years, how can he be so selfish? I have the right to feel loved, but he just isn't doing it."
Jack says: "Living pay-day to pay-day is so stressful for me, I'm always afraid that something unexpected would happen. What if the old car falls apart? What if one of our kids become really sick? This money gives us a buffer and helps relieve my anxiety, but she wants to throw it all away on some extravagant holiday. She's so impractical. Doesn't she know that she is supposed to submit to me, that I am the head of this household? I have the right to decide what to do with this money, but she just isn't submissive to it."
As the conflict escalates, the issue becomes more and more personal, and both parties feel injured and that their rights has been violated.
The duty-based, Christ-centred approach
Jill says: "I am tired and stressed and would love a holiday, but Jack says no. But perhaps I need not feel so tired and stressed? What is it about my life that is tiring and stressing me out? After all, in Christ I will renew my strength and have peace that transcends understanding. I feel unloved when Jack doesn't want to go on a holiday, but that's ok, because I know I am already loved by Christ, more completely and lavishly than Jack's love. But I am to submit to Jack. I still want to go on a holiday, but more importantly, how can I respect Jack in this conflict?"
Jack says: "Living pay-day to pay-day is so stressful for me, but why am I so stressed? I am trying to provide for my family, but I know that, ultimately, Christ provides for us, even in the unexpected circumstances. Perhaps I am trying to put my security in having a good bank balance - I need to reorient my security on Christ. I still don't think this holiday is a good idea, but I know that I am to love her, because Christ first loved me. So, how can I love her sacrificially in this issue?"
There is no right or wrong answer to how they will resolve this issue, but no matter what the conclusion is, Jill will try to make sure that Jack is respected, and Jack will try to make sure that Jill is loved. Neither focuses on their own rights, or even their own feelings - but instead they will try to love and respect each other out of the love and dignity they have received from Christ.
