Why I will not be buying pretty dresses for my daughter

Today, our work place held a "family Christmas party". The furniture was shifted around to allow for some chairs, everybody brought a plate of home cooking, and children ran around, enjoying all the junk food and pizza. One of our receptionists brought along her toddler daughter, a beautiful little girl with golden curls, wearing a lacy and elaborate red dress.

As we all looked how cute and innocent she is, one of the other staff members remarked to me: "You'll be buying that sort of dress for your daughter soon."

"No, I don't think so." I said, with a shrug. "I don't think I will be buying pretty dresses for her."

Suddenly I found 3 or 4 ladies looking at me with dismay and disbelief. It was as if I had said I planned to starve my child.

We live in a world that is increasingly obsessed with externals. If you look at social media, you'll see lots of "selfies" - particularly of young women. Carefully made up, carefully dressed, lips carefully painted and pouted. Carefully posed to look careless. Girls of all shapes and sizes proclaim to be "proud of their bodies" - whether they be slender or curvy or obese, tall or short. The message is clear: we proclaim to be tolerant of different appearances, but one thing we all have in common is that we care about it. Very, very much.

As a Christian feminist, this nauseates me. We have not "liberated" women from the deep desire to be beautiful. We have merely made it more artificial, more subjective, and more elusive... and more open to commentary.

1 Peter 3:3-4 says:

Do not let your adorning be external - the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewellery, or the clothing you wear - but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious. - 1 Peter 3:3-4 (ESV)

This verse is not about whether women are "allowed" to wear particular hair styles or particular types of jewellery. This verse is also not about whether women have to adopt a particular "persona" - as if all women ought to talk and act softly and gently, as if they are some sort of a wilting flower. No, Peter is addressing the question of how we adorn ourselves or how we make ourselves beautiful. Peter knows that we have this deep desire for beauty. It seems to be innate in us, and also encouraged in our societies. We seem to feel that there is something lacking in us, like a naked Christmas tree. We seek to find the right covering and adornment to make us "right" - just like a Christmas tree needs tinsel and baubles and lights. So, we put on jewellery, brand-name clothing, make sure our shoes and accessories match, and don't leave the house until we have put on our "face".

Peter wants us to find our beauty, covering, and adornment in something else - more imperishable, more precious, and certainly less exhausting. A gentle and quiet spirit is one that is able to be gentle because she has already received all that she needs from Christ. She has put on Christ to be her adornment, like a garment (Gal 3:27), and therefore her heart is content. She has no need for baubles and tinsel and lights.

I have friends who love to dress up their little girls from birth. The baby (who is too young to know or care) does not leave the house without a flowery headband, with matching outfit and shoes. I always wonder what this communicates to the little girl as she gains increasing self-awareness. Perhaps that she is not complete until she has the right headband on?

For this reason, I have decided not to buy elaborate dresses for my baby girl, or pretty headbands, or ornate shoes, etc. I don't mean to be a Nazi or dogmatic about it, though. My mother and my mother-in-law are pretty enamoured with the idea of having a granddaughter, and no doubt will really love buying girly things for her. I'm not going to stop them, or stop my daughter from wearing them. While I will try to teach her to be comfortable in her own skin, and confident no matter what she is wearing, I will of course teach her to dress appropriate for the occasion. We do not wear woollen jumpers in the heat of the summer, no matter how confident you are. We do not wear our pyjamas to a friend's wedding, out of love and respect for our friend. Stuff like that.

I do want to teach her that there is more to her than her clothes or hair. I will try to spend more time making encouraging comments and drawing attention to her character, generosity, determination, perseverance, and patience... more so than how cute her shoes are. I will try to teach her that she has immeasurable beauty in Christ, that He is her adornment, and she doesn't need to look for her justification in external things or how many "likes" she gets on social media. She is God's child, a daughter of the King of Kings, a true princess... and it will be my hope and prayer that she will always be confident of this, and live her life ever mindful of her true identity in Christ... pretty dress or no pretty dress.

Is there a "Biblical" way to meet someone?

Question:
Is there a "Biblical" way to meet someone?

Answer:
The whole relationship / dating experience is fraught with risks, and sometimes well-meaning older people, in order to minimise those risks, will set up certain rules. "God will only bless a relationship if you meet him here at church", I was once told. Another wise older Christian told me: "You should never meet a boy one-on-one... you should always get to know him through a cell group or a church activity, with a group of other people. Meeting someone one-on-one invites temptation."

A lecturer at a well-known seminary in the US once remarked: "Should we allow young people to date? Well, should we allow a young woman and a young man to meet up alone, often in some secluded place, and see if they get into trouble? It's obvious, isn't it?"

Well, with all due respect to all these wise people, it's not obvious. Not at all.

The Bible contains lots of stories of people in relationships, and lots of marriages that were blessed by God. Many of these marriages played a small role in the grander story of God's salvation of his people. I'm thinking of a few examples: Isaac and Rebekah, Jacob and Leah and Rachel, Judah and Tamar, Moses and Zipporah, Ruth and Boaz... the list goes on. The Bible is a story about God and his work of salvation of his people, and not just a story for the sake of a story... so we're not given a lot of details of these marriages, and sometimes the details that we are given are not exactly pretty (think the story of Judah and Tamar, Genesis 38).

The only thing in common between these marriages is their role in God's story. In other words, the only thing they had in common was that God used them for his purpose. Isaac and Rebekah was an arranged marriage, Jacob fell in love with Rachel, and Ruth met Boaz alone, in a secluded place, in the dark. The Bible simply doesn't give a framework as to how we are to meet, court, and get to know members of the opposite sex. It only tells us that once we have decided on a spouse, we need to hold fast to that spouse and not let go (Genesis 2:24, Matthew 19:3-6).

I am, of course, wary of using people of the Old Testament to be examples for us. After all, just because Ruth met Boaz in the dark in a secluded place, it doesn't mean I would want my daughter meeting a boy like that. And indeed it is true, some forms of dating does invite more temptation than others. We do want our young people behaving in a righteous, honourable way, don't we? So what is wrong with making a rule about the circumstances of their courtship?

Well, for one thing, making rules and legislating good behaviour simply doesn't work. What happens when we try to get a sinful person to behave righteously by obeying laws? More sin - look at Romans 7:7-12 - where Paul confesses that, because of his own sinful self, the law "do not covet" didn't produce righteousness but "every covetous desire". So we know that making a rule about how young people should relate to one another will not work, because we are all such sinful people. Telling a young person not to meet a member of the opposite sex in the park will not produce fruits of righteousness - after all, temptation is readily available in other places, such as pornography.

So, if making rules won't work, what will? Is there a biblical framework of how we can ensure our young people can get to know each other in a healthy, romantic way (and, dare I say it, exciting way) without falling into sin?

The answer lies in Romans 6:1-14. Paul tells us that we have died with Christ, and raised from death with him, and now walking in newness of life (verse 5). Therefore, we consider ourselves dead to our sinful ways, and alive to God (verse 11). Because we are alive to God and He is altogether glorious, so we can turn away from our temptations and our sins, and surrender ourselves to God (ver 13). So that is how we can face temptation: because our God is more glorious and more attractive and holds more power over our hearts than that thing that is tempting us. And that is how Ruth was able to meet with Boaz, in the dark, for the glory of God.

Relationships are fraught with risks - risks that scare older people and excite younger people. There is no "biblical" way to get to know someone that doesn't involve risks. If we want to minimise these risks, the most biblical way to do it would be to realise just how wonderful, glorious, and attractive our God is... and to fall in love with Him over and over again.

Is there a soul mate for me?

Question:
Is there a soul mate for me?

Answer:

Did you know that this idea of the "soul mate other half" comes from pagan Greek mythology? The idea was that humans were created whole and androgynous - that is, we were a creature that is both male and female. Then, the gods split us up so we are no longer whole, but two halves. We spend the rest of our lives yearning and incomplete until we find our "one true love" (sound familiar?), at which point we will be finally complete and content. Least you are tempted to just dismiss this as ancient pagan philosophy that has no relevance today, think about how this idea permeates in our modern society. Fairy tales tell us that they lived "happily ever after", as if finding a partner the key to lifelong happiness. The internet is filled with quizzes like "How to find out if he is The One!". A recent trend in Hollywood movies is to have a protagonist be already married, and then finding their soulmate some years after their marriage. In those movies, we are lead to be sympathetic to their adultery because - after all - the person they married was not their other half!

Christians can buy into this as well. After all, we know that "it is not good for man to be alone" (Genesis 2:18). We can easily imbibe the popular cultural belief that we are incomplete, unfulfilled, and deficient unless we are in a relationship.

What does the Bible say?

1. In the beginning (Genesis 1:26-31)
In the beginning, God created humans, and set us apart from all of His other creation. We uniquely bear His image and likeness, we alone were given the commission to have dominion over the vastness of the earth. There can be no doubt about it - we were his people, in his garden, doing his work, reflecting his image, enjoying his presence and blessing. And God looked and said this is very good... and stepped back and rested.

The "fall" of mankind is described in chapter 3 - the forbidden fruit which brought about death. Eve looked at the fruit and saw that it was "good", and in that moment mankind turned away from the source of our life and blessing, toward something we thought was better. The result? We could no longer be his people, in his garden, doing his work, enjoying his presence. We separated from the one God that brought us life, and we continue seek to find the life, shelter and identity we once had in Eden... except that we look for it in anything but God. The creation that was intended to be subdued by us now has now become our master (Romans 1:25).

Perhaps you will think that I am taking a detour, but it is important to see that we were indeed whole at one time, but our wholeness had nothing to do with a "soulmate" of the opposite sex. God saw that man was not good by himself, and so made the woman, and together they imaged God... but the source of their life and fulfilment came not from each other but from God and his commission.

2. The solution

For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. (Ephesians 3:14-19, emphasis added)

God had a singular solution to our fallenness: Christ, who lived the life that we should have lived, and endured the death we should have died. Not only that, he gave us a new heart in the Spirit to replace our old hearts which have grown deaf and numb to him (Ezekiel 11:19). Through Christ, we can be filled with the fullness of God. In other words, if you are looking to be fulfilled in your human life, it is not going to come from a member of the opposite sex. To truly get back to Eden, to that place where we can be filled with the riches of his glory again, we need Christ to dwell in our hearts through faith.

3. What does this mean for me?
This means that there is no such thing as "The One"... unless of course you are talking about Christ. I'm not sorry to pop your bubble - because this is wonderfully liberating. You're not looking for someone who is "perfect" for you, or someone who understands you completely - you've already found him in Christ! And if you are already dating someone, you can stop asking yourself if he or she is the "soulmate" who is going to give fulfilment to your life. I can tell you that he (or she) is not, Christ is.

A Sola Scriptura approach to dating, relationships, singleness, and all that

I had hoped to escape the stereotype of a Christian woman writing solely about "micro" issues such as marriage and relationships - I had fully intended for my next writing "project" to be an exploration of faith vs works. However, recent conversations with young people around me convinced me that these "micro" issues need to be addressed just as much, perhaps even more urgently.

While my previous article was directed toward married couples, this is for those who are unmarried - either single, or in a relationship that hasn't progressed on to engagement or marriage. As I write this, I have been married to my husband for four years. It was not so long ago that I was single, praying and asking God to "prepare" for me my future "other half". Some of the issues that I have outlined below are issues that I myself have wrestled with - others have arisen from my conversation with people in similar situations.

What is Sola Scriptura?
Sola Scriptura is a slogan that was coined in the sixteenth century by the emerging Reformation in protest against the Catholic Church. Sola Scriptura means scripture alone - only the Holy Bible is to be viewed as definitive, prescriptive and divinely inspired. It means that we base our life and decisions solely on what the Bible says. It doesn't mean that we don't look to other sources to help us understand the Bible (indeed I will be using lots of dictionaries and commentaries to help write this series), but it does mean that scripture alone is holy writ.

Christian boy-girl relationships is a hot topic, as I have discovered, and everybody has an opinion. Almost everyone has some opinions on how it should or shouldn't be done - and the married couples are often quick to say: "Well, this is how we did it". It all gets very confusing. Sola Scriptura asks the question: what does the Bible say?

Some frequently asked questions:
(Click on the question you are most interested in. If there is a question that is not covered, contact me and I'll give it a go.)

I'm Christian and single, and I'm ready for a relationship. How do I "handle" my singleness?
- Is there a soulmate for me?
- Is there a "Biblical" way to meet someone?
- Does the Bible really say that I can only date other Christians?
- How do I "prepare" myself for a relationship?

I'm Christian and in a relationship, it's all going pretty well, but...
- How do I really know that he/she is the one God has prepared for me?

What does the Bible actually say about sex outside of marriage?

What does the Bible say about pornography?

If you have any other questions that are not covered above, then contact me via the comments.

God willing, I will move on to some "meaty" theological topics. Coming up next: faith vs works.

Eph 5:22-33- Christian marriages: Why headship is way more than you think, and submission is not a dirty word.

Ephesians 5:22-33 (ESV)
Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Saviour. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.
Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendour, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

Introduction
I felt moved to write this after my husband heard a sermon on this passage, and felt the explanation the preacher gave to be inadequate. I couldn't help but feel that Christianity (and the Church) has been poorly represented in the secular community due to poor exegesis. A quick reading of the above passage may lead someone to believe that the husband is the dominant authority in the household, and the wife is the passive, obedient one. You would naturally think that Christianity is to blame for all the misogyny, sexism, and domestic violence in the Western world. I felt moved to address this.

Moreover, serious, Bible-believing men and women may also become confused. A young man may want to be a good husband in the most biblical way possible, but does that mean he must become the "lord" of his household, dominating his beloved wife with his masculinity? A young woman may likewise wish to follow the Bible's teachings, but does that mean she must leave her personality, her intellect, and her individual opinions behind when she marries, and must relegate herself to become some sort of subordinate to her husband?

When we take the effort to approach this text more studiously, you will find a picture of marriage that is too beautiful and too romantic for even the most idealistic poet to imagine. This is going to be a bit of a long article, but I hope you can follow with me to that picture.

The context of the text
When we come to a text and consider its meaning, we should always resist the urge to take the text out of the context of the chapter and the book it is written in.

Ephesians 5:22-6:9 is a section where the author Paul discusses how different relationships should work between Christians, and the preceding chapters, chapters 1-4 explains the why. Paul spends the first three chapters giving a detailed discussion on Jesus - his lavish love for us, his gracious act of redemption for us, giving us life and immeasurable riches with Him. Chapter four tells us that we have unity with each other in Christ, and through Him we can put aside our old, selfish selves, and put on a new, Christ centred life. Chapter five then opens with:

Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. Eph 5:1-2 (ESV)

This bit is important: as we approach the words of instruction to wives and husbands, we remember we do this because Christ loved us and gave Himself up for us. When Paul gets to chapter five, he is writing to the Ephesian church assuming that they have read chapters 1-4, and have grasped the good news of the gospel, and living in Spirit-renewed unity... and he gives instructions to husbands and wives having set the foundation of the gospel. The instructions given to married couples has the expectation that they are both already Christians who understand the foundations set in chapters 1-4.

Headship is more than you think
When we think of the man has the head of the family, we naturally consider a situation where the man is the "master" of his family. I grew up in such a family. If we ever sat around to watch TV, my father held the remote and decided what we were going to watch. If my mother bought any expensive food or rare fruit, the choicest, largest piece usually went to my father. (Sometimes it went to us kids, but he always got the better portion compared to my mother.) If ever we disagreed, he had the ultimate veto power, and he enforced his control by shouting, emotional manipulation, and, once in a while, by physical violence.

Jesus has a different idea of what headship and leadership means. In Luke 22, while seated at the Last Supper, the disciples start arguing over who was to be regarded as the greatest. Jesus didn't admonish them for their ambition for greatness, but instead offered an alternative definition of greatness:

"Let the greatest among you become as the youngest, and the leader as one who serves. For who is greater, the one who reclines at table or the one who serves? Is it not the one who reclines at table? But I am among you as the one who serves." Luke 22:26-27 (ESV)

John 13 also records that, at the same supper, Jesus washed his disciples' feet to demonstrate the same lesson, and instructed them to do the same. So, we see that Jesus demonstrates his greatness not by displays of power or domination, but by being among us as one who serves.

Paul picks up on this when he says, "Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her". How does Christ love the church? Perhaps I don't need to outline the lavish and sacrificial love Christ has for his beloved bride the church, the way he endured death and separation from God in order for the church to be redeemed to him. Paul demands that sort of love from husbands for their wives. And it's not just a theoretical "if a gunman ever comes I'll jump in front of a bullet for you" kind of sacrifice, but also in the mundane, day to day things that place your wife's needs above your own.

Next, we come to the goal of headship. It's important to see that the leadership of the husband is not in order to boost his ego, or so that he may have his way all the time, or assert his dominance. Instead, the aim is that:

"he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendour, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish."  Eph 5:26-27 (ESV)

You see, according to the biblical model, my husband is to sacrificially love me because it leads to my sanctification. In other words, it leads me to grow more holy, more like Christ, and with more splendour. (I feel a little embarrassed even typing this. Me? Splendour? But hey, the text says what the text says.)

There is so much more I could say about this, because the language in the text is so rich and loaded with imagery, but I feel we must move on, before this article becomes a novel.

Submission is not a dirty word
When we hear the word submission, we instinctively repulse against it - and with good reason. After all, submission is something we teach our children and our puppies. We imagine a wife who is a sort of subordinate to her husband, silently submissive to his will and command. We imagine a diminished woman who left behind her own ideas and opinions behind when she married, and is but a shadow behind her looming husband.

The text says: Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Ephesians 4:24. Sounds pretty submissive to me, right? But how does the church submit to Christ?

Well, certainly the church submits to Christ by accepting his love and sacrifice for us, as a start. The church puts absolute trust and faith in Christ's love, but certainly not in a passive, silent, leave-your-gifts-behind kind of way. In fact, those in leadership positions within the church are always looking for ways to make use of every available resource to bring glory to Christ:

Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen. Ephesians 3:20-21. (ESV)

The bible is clear that the wife is not subordinate or a lower-class human compared to her husband (see Galatians 3:28, Genesis 1:27). However, the wife devotes herself to submission to her husband the way the church submits - not by suppressing her gifts and ideas and opinions, but by using them all to make him more glorious.

What this looks like
Imagine a couple dancing a beautiful waltz. The man is dressed in a tux, his back straight and strong but not inflexible, the lady in a beautiful flowing dress, her steps and turns flowing seamlessly. They dance to the tune of Christ's love for them. The husband commits to loving his wife as sacrificially, selflessly, and courageously as possible, in all things seeking to make her more perfect, more holy, and more splendid. Not because of how great he is or how great she is, but simply because he has received the same love from Christ. In turn, the wife commits to honouring her husband, trusting in his love, and committing all that she has to make him more glorious. Not because of how wonderful her husband is, but simply because she first submitted her ultimate love and trust and obedience to Christ.

And thus, the couple dances through life, and each hurdle that comes their way. At times in their dance together one may dance more vibrantly than the other, and they may indeed follow each other's lead in different times. But the basic pattern remains the same, and all this with the love of Christ being their mutual goal, their joy, and satisfaction.

But what does it look like, really?
At this point, the reader might want to say, "Yes, that's a nice picture you have painted, but how does this work? Who holds the remote? Who controls the finances? Who does the cooking? Can the wife go to work? If the two disagree on something, who has the right to make the final decision?"

The bible offers guiding principles to help us navigate through life, but it doesn't didactically give specific laws about every single decision we've got to make. I would say that an approach that seeks to give specific, inflexible and absolute answers to the above questions would be legalistic and Pharisaical. When we married, my husband and I had slightly different marital vows. He vowed to "love, honour, and protect" me all his life. I vowed to "love, honour, and respect" him all of my life. While our marriage is not perfect, we fulfilled our vows in different ways as our situations changed. There was a time when I did most of the housework. Then there was a time when he did most of the housework. For the majority of our married life, as he pursued full time theological studies, I was the sole breadwinner. But I don't feel unloved, and he does not feel disrespected, as we seek to worship Christ together.

The other thing to note that Eph 5:22-33 is talking about duties of the husband and wife toward one another, and not rights. And the duties are Christ-centred. As soon as we begin to ask questions like "who has the right to make the final decisions", we are already starting off on the wrong foot. The focus is not on what is your right to expect from your spouse, but what is your duty toward your spouse.

Finally, a practical example
Jack and Jill are a young married couple, who are struggling financially and living pay-day to pay-day. Finally, they save up a sum of money, and disagree about what to do with it.

The rights-based, battle of the sexes approach
Jill says: "I have been so tired in the past few months, this year has been so stressful, I feel jaded and faded. I found this great deal on the internet for a relaxing holiday overseas, it's a great bargain. We can afford it, we've got the money, but Jack says no. Doesn't he realise that he is supposed to love me sacrificially and selflessly? I have been married to him all these years and worked hard all these years, how can he be so selfish? I have the right to feel loved, but he just isn't doing it."

Jack says: "Living pay-day to pay-day is so stressful for me, I'm always afraid that something unexpected would happen. What if the old car falls apart? What if one of our kids become really sick? This money gives us a buffer and helps relieve my anxiety, but she wants to throw it all away on some extravagant holiday. She's so impractical. Doesn't she know that she is supposed to submit to me, that I am the head of this household? I have the right to decide what to do with this money, but she just isn't submissive to it."

As the conflict escalates, the issue becomes more and more personal, and both parties feel injured and that their rights has been violated.

The duty-based, Christ-centred approach
Jill says: "I am tired and stressed and would love a holiday, but Jack says no. But perhaps I need not feel so tired and stressed? What is it about my life that is tiring and stressing me out? After all, in Christ I will renew my strength and have peace that transcends understanding. I feel unloved when Jack doesn't want to go on a holiday, but that's ok, because I know I am already loved by Christ, more completely and lavishly than Jack's love. But I am to submit to Jack. I still want to go on a holiday, but more importantly, how can I respect Jack in this conflict?"

Jack says: "Living pay-day to pay-day is so stressful for me, but why am I so stressed? I am trying to provide for my family, but I know that, ultimately, Christ provides for us, even in the unexpected circumstances. Perhaps I am trying to put my security in having a good bank balance - I need to reorient my security on Christ. I still don't think this holiday is a good idea, but I know that I am to love her, because Christ first loved me. So, how can I love her sacrificially in this issue?"

There is no right or wrong answer to how they will resolve this issue, but no matter what the conclusion is, Jill will try to make sure that Jack is respected, and Jack will try to make sure that Jill is loved. Neither focuses on their own rights, or even their own feelings - but instead they will try to love and respect each other out of the love and dignity they have received from Christ.

Joy and Happiness in the Christian mindset

Recently, I saw a question posted by an acquaintance on Facebook: is it true that when non-Christians find happiness, they're not truly happy; they just think they are?

I thought it was a great question, and here is my rather long-winded attempt to answer it.

Happiness vs Joy
Joy is a word frequently used in the Bible to denote happiness and gladness. However, it is important to make a distinction between joy in the Biblical sense (I will call it biblical joy) and an emotional happiness.

Biblical joy is not just an emotional state, but a quality or a characteristic of the believer. The believer has joy at all times, in all circumstances, even in the face of great trials. (See Phil 4:4). The object of Christian joy is in the person of Christ Himself: whether our surroundings are good or bad, we recognise that He himself is sufficient for our needs, and we will never lose His love or faithfulness. Biblical joy is not something that we conjure up ourselves, through self-affirmation or pep talks - it is given by God (Rom 15:13), and is one of the fruits of the Holy Spirit.

Happiness is different. It is an emotion, not a character. Many things make us happy, usually for perfectly legitimate reasons. Roast on a winter's night, cold beer in a summer's eve, a lover's embrace, a baby's chuckle, the list goes on. A person (Christian or non-Christian) may very well live generally contented lives: enjoying prosperity, the love of their family and friends, content in their jobs and hobbies.

It is, I believe, imperative to make a distinction between Biblical joy and happiness. Without such a distinction, you may expect Christians to be happy all the time, and non-Christians to be always miserable - and this is simply not the case.

Some facts about joy:
1. Christian joy is joy in the Lord. (See Phil 4:4)
Christian joy flows from a relationship with Christ. We don't rejoice because Christ has given us a nice job, nice family, or a healthy body. We don't even rejoice even because Christ has saved us from hell. Christian joy is simply joy in the Lord - a simple recognition that Christ is all things great and glorious, Christ is great strength and great beauty all in one, and simply that we get to have a relationship with Him. We rejoice over the good news - the wonderful news - that for this relationship to be made possible great sacrifice had to be made, and He has made it. Thus, we rejoice over who He is, what He has done, and our bond with Him.

2. Christian joy is a fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23)
When we have a relationship with Christ, we are given the gift of the Holy Spirit. The Spirit works in our lives in such a way that it gives visible results - or, to use the language of Galatians, bears fruit. It is important to note that these are not our fruit, but the Spirit's. Therefore, Christian joy can not be "produced" by some self-affirmation pep talk, nor by some self-applied cognitive behavioural therapy. You can not make a New Year's resolution to have more joy - it simply will not work. Instead, we take our eyes off ourselves, on to Christ, and joy naturally flowers and fruits.

3. Joy in all circumstances (Phil 4:12, James 1:2-4)
In Phil 4:12, Paul informs us that he has learned the "secret" of facing all situations, whether good or bad. Earlier in the same chapter, he gives us the key to the secret: we are to rejoice in the Lord, because He is at hand and He gives us peace. If we are to rejoice in the Lord, then we will indeed have surpassing joy - because Christ surpasses everything! In a world of uncertainty and change, Christ's nature doesn't change, the work of Christ on the cross doesn't change, and our relationship to Him doesn't change. What is most of value to us - above health and wealth - Christ Himself - will not be taken from us, although our health may fail and money flows in and out of our bank accounts almost as if it has a life of its own.

James gives us another reason to have joy in tough circumstances: because they produce steadfastness (James 1:2), or endurance in our faith. Our trials and sufferings produce a deeper, more steadfast faith in Christ, enriching and deepening our relationship with Him - and in this we rejoice! So, even in our trials, the source of our joy and the focus of our attention is still Christ.

OK... so how does this apply to me?
1. Does this mean that Christians should be happy at all times?
3 years ago, my father-in-law passed away after a swift battle with cancer. Our family was devastated - but particularly my mother-in-law. They had been happily married for over 30 years, lived through some terrible trials together, and was just starting to enjoy a more stable lifestyle. She was shattered. During those days, if somebody had come up to her and said, "Why are you sad? Christians should always be happy!", I might very well have punched them in the face.

The Bible does not teach that Christians should be stoical in all situations. Jesus was not a stoic - he wept, anguished, got angry, and sweated blood. In the passages of the Bible where it talks about rejoicing in all circumstances, there is a recognition that these circumstances causes grief and suffering. (See Romans 5:3-4, 1 Peter 1:6-7.) These books, often written during times where Christians faced terrible persecution, showed a raw and acute awareness of the devastation life can throw at us. However, these passages does give us encouragement and point us toward the object and source of our joy, Christ Himself. My mother-in-law is not perfect (which daughter-in-law will admit that?), but I do know that her ultimate comfort, and joy, came from Christ.

2. So, what should we say to non-Christians who seem to have it all?
A couple of years ago, my brother-in-law started doing some work placements inside a hospital, where he met many doctors. He was amazed - these doctors were smart, altruistic, compassionate, hard working, secure, and friendly. And none of them were believers. "They are happier than you are," he said to me, somewhat accusational in his tone, "and they laugh at Christians."

C. S. Lewis, in his book The Pilgrim's Regress, suggest that we are all searching and yearning for a place of absolute beauty, where all of our desires and needs are ultimately fulfilled. Various things in life give us an "image" of what that place is like - poetry, music, entertainment, food, and even love from our family and friends - all give us a faint taste, a little snippet, of that place of ultimate fulfilment. But these things are only good as sign-posts: when you pursue them for their own sake, the faint happiness you get from them disappears like a mirage, leaving behind only despair and addiction. (Think about the hypochondriacs who obsess about their health so much they lose their enjoyment of their health; the foodie who descends into bulimia; the doting mother whose happiness is so entangled in her son that both of their lives are a misery.) A non-Christian do not always have to fall into the extremes of addiction and despair - you can ostensibly enjoy a little bit of everything without being completely addicted to it. And certainly - the happiness that you get out of a hot roast or a cold beer, or your wife's embrace - is all very, very real.

But I would tell my non-Christian friends who live happy lives - that their happiness is but merely happiness, which is only a shadow or a mirage compared to the deeper, eternal joy that they could have in Christ. Examine each source of happiness, examine it closely and you'll see smoke and mirage. The fulfilment that we have in Christ - is so much bigger, more joyful, more fulfilling, more solid - and so much more freeing than any other happiness that we can have. We know, deep down, that this kind of fulfilment is impossible for us who are mere human - and yet Christ has made it possible. And that is the good news.